Friday, April 8, 2011

I hate making decisions!

Today was technically supposed to be my first day back to work from maternity leave. But, since the boss of my second position doesn't actually know when I'm supposed to return I decided to postpone it till tomorrow. Mostly because Ryan didn't even make it home till 7.

However, I'm thinking of quitting my job. I was planning on working until the summer, when my hours pretty much disappear anyway. But, now with Ryan on a new route at work he gets home later, and will not always be home in time for me to work. It was super stressful when I used to have to juggle one kid while trying to work when he wasn't home..... it would definitely be impossible with 2 kids, one of them being an infant.

Plus, Xander won't take a bottle, so on nights when I have to work for 3 hours he wouldn't eat. It's not that he refuses bottles. He tries to drink them, but ends up having swallowing issues and just spits everything up. And I don't want to push a bottle if I don't have to.

Plus, the pay is so not worth the stress.

However, I am so nervous about actually quitting my job. It will allow me to finally be a strictly stay at home mom like I've always wanted. But I am stressed that it will depress me. I don't actually want to work at all. I've never wanted a career. But, having a college degree makes me feel important, and smart, and accomplished. What if I give that all up and no longer feel good about myself?

I just pray that I can find a sense of accomplishment in being a mother. And hopefully the work we'll be putting into the house will occupy my time so I don't go insane with boredom!

2 comments:

Shelly said...

i struggled with my sense of worth after i quit teaching. it was a difficult transition for me--but i'm sure with a new little one and a house full of projects to complete you will find your time goes more quickly! one thing that has helped me is not focusing on my feelings--or feeling inadequate for not working--but focusing on the TRUTH--God has a plan for me (and you), we are infinitely valuable to HIM, and His plan *right now* is for us to be Mothers--and i know it's a cliche but it honestly is the most important, valuable, future-shaping job you can do!

Anonymous said...

Why do you need to feel "important" and "smart"? Who are you trying to impress? Lots of people have college degrees and do not need to prove it. You need to find happiness in what you have