Hello in there!

Today I had another OB appointment. The baby's heartbeat is nice and healthy at 160. Yay! What a relief.

But one thing I am not relieved about is my feelings towards this baby. Yes, this baby was planned, for those of you who might assume it wasn't from my last statement. We meticulously planned it out actually, because I am going to be the maid of honor in my sister's wedding, and I really want to have time to lose the baby weight before then!

But despite trying to get pregnant and all that, my feelings towards this baby are SO different than they were when I was pregnant with Ryleigh. Today, as we listened to the heartbeat, rather than tear up and marvel at the wonder going on in my womb I was more concerned that Ryleigh hear the heartbeat. She's gotten into listening to my heartbeat, and her heartbeat, and we've tried to find the baby's with our heartbeat monitor, but this particular brand says it won't work until I'm 20 weeks along. So I wanted her to hear it, so she could understand my pregnancy a little better.

I just feel so guilty that even though I am growing a new baby all of my focus is still on Ryleigh. We don't even have a cutesy nick-name to call this baby..... we just call it "new baby", and that is so not fair to it. And I hate using the word "it" to refer to a precious new life.

I dislike how all the wonder, and newness, and excitement has worn off :-( This baby deserves to be super loved, just like Ry was before she was born...... but I'm just too busy chasing around "Big Sister" to even take time to enjoy it.

I'm probably not the first second-time mom to feel this way. I know. But, I'm just expressing my crazy, whacked out, hormone driven thoughts :-)